#chewbaccaproblems

I shed like a motherfucker. And after I had my kid my hair was falling out like fucking RAIN. And the amount of time I spent crawling on my hands and fucking knees scooping it up and trying to fling it in the toilet was MADDENING.  And not only that, BENEATH ME.  Like seriously- i am a grown woman, freshly scrubbed and mosturized and here I am sweating and cursing and chasing fluffly hair all over my bathroom because I KNOW how disgustor it is to see other peoples hair. It's weird because we comb it and brush it and shampoo it and blow dry it and flat iron it and colour it and spray it and adore it and then the minute it falls off our head- BLECH!!! LEPER!! VILE!! BEASTLY!! 

So, after about a year of scrambling around trying to keep up with the hairballs and ahead of the gagballs, I was like- there has got to be a better way.  A vacuum in the bathrooom is ridic, and a small dustbuster seems like a good idea but I never got around to buying one- let alone one for each bathroom.  And then I thought maybe a swiffer but again it would be OUT and you would SEE the hair so no and THEN BAM!!  the ultimate-

Hot tip #5: SWIFFER DUSTER *angelchoir* obliterates #chewbaccaproblems

Holy SHIT is that plasticky fluffy abberation of nature AMAZEBALLZ! SWIFFER DUSTER FOREVER!!!! *fist-to-sky*  So I have one of those under my sink, and to contain it's ewww-hair factor I keep it dusty side down in an empty deep-ish plastic container.  i am TELLING YA- this works like a dream- super fast, super clingy and super reusable.

Here's another trick I just figured out- this is way more expensice, but effective quick hair picker upper- POST IT NOTES.  you drag one of those bitches across the floor and it picks up EVERYTHING.  They're totes expensive but if you work at an office or have a stack that's been bitched (maybe by an overzealous 3 year old AHEM) you can pop it into the drawer to use before your mother in law comes over.

Seriously, this shit is GOLD people.

Tune In- Source Out

Tip #4 Source the fuck OUT

Do you have a kid? Do you work full time? Do you live with a roomie/other who works full time? HIRE A HOUSEKEEPER. There is always someone who is willing to do that shit for a reasonable amount of moolah.  i am pretty sure having a cleaning lady extended my marriage by 2 years.  If you live in the dirtcity area I suggest Victoria's Housekeeping (780)604-5798. She is soooo cheap and cleans only with microfiber antibac cloths, dishsoap and occasionally vinegar.  She fucking rules. So yeah- housekeeper.
Boom. Done. *micDrop*

Garbage Sucks.

This seriously was my first genius I'll-fucking-show-ALL-Y'ALL-how-to-live idea that made me say "I should SERIOUSLY have a fucking blog. Seriously.":

Tip #3: Garbage Sucks

...and hoarding sucks but adorable plastic shopping bags DO NOT SUCK. They are FREE, okay?  So you take cute plastic shopping bags, turn them inside out and stuff them in the garbage can.

And then while you pile in babywipes and kleenexes and hairballs and broken teeth you can look past the crud at the adorable graphic from PleaseMumFuckingPLEASE & be all "my life is sooooo cute...". You can even coordinate it with your fucking TOWELS. Your garbage looks WAYYYY better, girl. *shudder*

WARNING: THIS IS ABOUT MENSES

This kind of garbage ALSO sucks- holy crap do you blow alot of toilet paper wrappin that shit up.  I like keeping old gossip rags (HA) that my foolish sisters buy during the summer in my bathroom cupboard. Sure they're for "reading" while you're hiding from a dinner party but then when you're droppin uterine lining like bombs just tear off pages to dispose/diguise the tamp/pad.  It only takes a PAGE and nothing lightens up a hormone rage then dropping a mad mess onto a smiling Kim+Kanye photo op. Win-win motherfuckers!

Savin' the world- one irritating domestic duty at a time.

G.Y.S.T.

OK WORD.UP.  Late summer is a super busy time- and don't think this shit is going to be scheduled programming.

 

Just wrapped up the most amazing wedding attendance- where i delivered a beast of a centerpiece COVERED in CapitalCityBurlesque style glitter. Apartamante it was loaded with COKE references...?  Seriously? Seriously. But it was basically a reunion of gorgeous hipster preportions.

 

Moving on...

 

Tip#2: GIT your SHIT together!!!

 

Latest brainspark/fart on the grouping- are you a penwhore?  I fucking swipe pens like some weird sleepwalking inksniffin klepto. And working for THE MAN does NOT help (all fucking hail papermatemediuminkclickpen2012!.....P.S. Kloe Kardashian's fertility specialist was using one in the next to season finaleeeeeeeeeeeee!). i used to be the same way with lighters while I still smoked.  My friends would SERIOUSLY shake me down as I left a room and make me turn my pockets out while i would protest-inSULted!  And i would be holding onto from 2-4 lighters.  Every.Fucking.TIME. i always wished i could do the same with fives *schtick*.

So i am a penwhore.  my littlest sis is a glosswhore- we do periodic bagdumps on her to count how many shiny sparkly pink lipglosses she's packin and the worst was 21.  Seriously? Seriously.

 

Ok so that just fucks up your purse/satchel/shitsack.  it sucks up TIME digging through all that hardware. AND YOU LOOK LIKE A FUCKING DITZ!  Well on that note i also have been noticing that I ALWAYS have hair elastics floating around.  Another I can not live without. SO tonight I realized if i wrapped all the pens (and a few glosses) together it would save me MANYFUCKINGMINUTES a day.  i would also be aware of how many pens I'm carrying- it is all about soothing that fucking panic of being without... like, suddenly in the can at some gastop and wanting to write the most perfect FUCK above the toilet paper and HAVE NO JIFFY TO WRITE IT. Or like someone's phone number or a reminder to google Morgan Freeman's fucked up relationship with his stepgrandaughter later tonight- and what better to wrap those timesucking fuckers in? The damn hair elastics. 

 

Honestly this is fucking jenga, bitches.

 

In the beginning- you must find your scizzors.

I used to be a wild mess of rude fun. And then I got money&alcohol-tired, married, babied and suburbanized.  Look, this was all by my own doing. I thought I ought to try it, and I thought I would be good at it.  i seriously thought that le kid needed a house and that was all there was to it.  I even subconciously bought a house that was a jumbled replica of the house I grew up in. And honestly thought these massive life changes would have no other bearing on me other than shelter and keeping social services off my scent. In my mind le kid would just be my plus+one and I would go back to drunkenly arting it up all over dirtcity and eventually beyond.

well, FUCK.

APPARENTLY, my fucking mother wasn't just some obsessed with interior redesign, food prep and cleanliness Pollyanna from the fucking 50's.  APPARENTLY, if you do not get into keeping your house clean and your family properly fed- things get BAD.  Like you have to hustle all this shit into some kind of organized and operational system or everyone gets SICK and your nonofficial job as the keeper of your peeps gets shittier and shittier.  Like if you thought you had no time to yourself just doing regular keep em alive shit, when everyone is sick INCLUDING YOU, your life is a hotter hell.  you cry.  A lot. And Mama Pollyanna's words of advice that always start with "Ok- what ya gotta do is go to the butcher and get a hambone..." just push me over the EDGE.  I am drowning in chaos and you want me to MAKE SOUP?!?!

When the realization hit me of what it would take for a no structure, not tidy, no cookin party girl like me to pull this off? No word of a lie- I was MEGGA PISSED. I mentally kissed my own ass goodbye and started trying to rebuild everything about how I did things.

HOT TIP #1  Find your scizzors. Call a meeting. Fire half of them.

I have a hoarding problem.  i didn't KNOW I had a hoarding problem till i watched Hoarders and realized that under the umbrella of "Future Possible Art Projects" I was glomming on to all sorts of crap.  one shrink on the show asked some looner if he didn't think that collecting handyman tools was a way to define himself as a handyman without ever having to DO anything with them.  That hit HARD. I am tellin ya- watch hoarders and then grab a garbage bag and stomp around your house with an air of superiority & disgust.  you will be amazed at what gets chucked. Then close the bag and chuck it.  NEVER REOPEN THE BAG.  This may require booze.

I started by clearing off EVERY offending surface and dumping it all on one table. These are all the things that do not have proper homes in your world. It seemed so simple: just put everything that's the same TOGETHER.  So the first thing I realized is that I have a thing for scizzors and they were EVERYWHERE. This brought me to the startling fact that i owned 57 pairs of scizzors.  holyshit.  WHAT THE FUCK DO I NEED 57 PAIRS OF SCIZZORS FOR? Once you see them all together you realize you have a frickin problemmo. This goes for pens, Jiffy markers, hair ties, lipglosses, notepads, staplers, tupperware, etcetc. Everyone has these things that they duplicate and place all over their living space because they are terrified about being without one. Now, pretend your house is burning down- save the 1/2 of your babies that deserve to live- and slide the rest into a donation bag OR, if you're tipsy and feelin brave- right into the garbola. I call this game Sophie's Choice- one can live but the other must die.  it is seriously LIBERATING. Now you must admit you have a scizzors problem and NEVER bring one home again.  When you are testing that snazzy pair in the dollar store you must flash back to your pile at home and proudly chuck em' back onto the shelf. Fuck you scizzors, you space stealing time stealing motherfucker. We are DONE.

Now pat yourself on the back and uncork something. Baby steps, bitches.